A Good, Conservative Puppet Show

Merry Christmas, my fellow Americans -- and I do mean Merry Christmas, not Happy Hanukkah, because this is not Israel, and not Happy Kwanzaa, because this is not Africa. Merry Christmas, because this is a Christian nation, which is why we have the most powerful Army in the world! As a Christmas treat for my loyal readers, here's another excerpt from my recent sensational live appearance. In this clip, I'm performing one of two puppet shows included in my debut performance:



To see more clips from my show, click here.

THE LADIES LOVE PISS!

GIRLS GAGA FOR RIGHT-WING COMEDIAN
ECHOES OF BEATLEMANIA



This picture was taken last night at the WILD after-party following the SENSATIONAL live performance debut of Ralph Piss! What a night...I'm still glowing from the S.R.O. crowd and the three standing O's! You see, my fellow Americans, I'm already picking up the showbiz lingo. And speaking of lingo, did you see Tony Snow's briefing today? Now that was LINGO! Okay! If you missed my performance last night, or if you saw it and you want to relive the glorious experience, here are some brief excerpts, which you will LOVE. There will be much, much more included in the upcoming documentary film Who is Ralph Piss?

RALPH PISS SHOW A HUGE SUCCESS!

MOST BRILLIANT DEBUT SINCE ADAM
A PACKED HOUSE APPLAUDS RALPH PISS; EVERYONE LOVED IT

(SCROLL DOWN FOR VIDEO.)

My fellow Americans, last night was my live performance comedy debut, and it was AMAZING! (Unless you ask Dummycrat Diamond, but notice that nobody did!) There was a packed house -- we actually had to turn people away, and I am in negotiations for an extended run at a larger venue! The enthusiastic crowd was wild for Piss! They lapped Piss right up, and I believe my comedy act was so strong that many who walked into the theatre as liberal Dummycrats left as conservative Pissketeers.

It was, by any standards, a glorious victory for both comedy and right-wing politics. Hearing that hysterical laughter, feeling that thundering applause -- two standing ovations, if I remember correctly! -- has changed Ralph Piss. I realize now that I was born to do more than simply spread the gospel of conservatism. I was also born to be on stage, to entertain. And I hereby resolve to keep on doing it, no matter what.

You'll be able to see video of last night's show soon, with additional footage, in the upcoming documentary Who is Ralph Piss? In the meantime, I'm sure you will enjoy these excerpts:



More soon, my fellow Americans. ONE RED STATE IN 2008! This is Ralph Piss, the successful right-wing humorist, saying IN GOD WE TRUST! Now go to work!

The I.S.G. Hates America

The liberal Dummycrats are up in arms because it looks like President Bush -- THANK GOD -- is NOT going to follow the recommendations of the I.S.G. (That should stand for Ignorant Stupid Girlie-men, but it's Iraq Study Group.) For those of you who have not read the group's report -- and believe me, it's not worth your time -- here is a summary of their recommendations:

1. Surrender and pull the troops out of Iraq, thereby giving the terrorists a chance to attack us again.

2. Make friends with known terrorists in Iran and Syria. (The liberal Dummycrats have a special word for making friends with terrorists. They call it "diplomacy.")

3. Turn our backs on everything our forefathers fought and died for.

4. Free abortions for everybody.

Now, why should anyone follow advice like that? Ralph Piss, for one, supports President Bush's plan, which goes like this:

1. Kill the terrorists.

2. Liberate the people of Iraq.

3. Make America safer.

4. Freedom.

5. God.

And he didn't even need a blue-ribbon panel to come up with it. So who do you think should be making decisions for this country -- President Bush, or the terrorists? The I.S.G. is nothing but a bunch of SURRENDER MONKEYS! They are also RETREAT APES, TREASON BABOONS, and CUT AND RUN GORILLAS!

Ralph Piss is Funny -- And Willing to Prove It!

DUMMYCRAT DIAMOND SAYS REPUBLICANS AREN'T FUNNY

RALPH PISS ACCEPTS HIS CHALLENGE, ANNOUNCES NYC COMEDY APPEARANCE

One thing that can never be said about Ralph Piss, my fellow Americans, is that he does not enjoy a good yuk. I know, because I am Ralph Piss, and I do enjoy a good yuk. Come to think of it, that was a good yuk right there.

But when I'm flipping through the channels on TV, I'm always disappointed by the comedy that's on these days. Some of it's funny, but nearly all of it is liberal. Since the liberals control the media, only lefty extremists like David Letterman and Jerry Seinfeld get to be the comedy stars, while hilariously funny right-wing comedians, like the fabulous Julia Gorin, are ignored. This is a tragedy, not a comedy!

And that is why I'm so thrilled about the wonderful news that Fox News Channel is launching a right-wing answer to The Daily Show! But unlike the lame and unpopular Daily Show, this one might actually be funny. It's created by Joel Surnow, the genius behind 24 -- a dark and disturbing dystopian fantasy about what would happen if America had a black president.

Well, it's no surprise that the Dummycrat liberal bloggers are fit to be waterboarded. It's terrifying to them that Fox, the most trusted name in news, could become the most trusted name in comedy as well. Soon Fox will be the most trusted name in everything, and nobody will trust any other names ever again. But not if the lefties have their way. Dummycrat Diamond is so upset, he even says that Republicans can't be funny! Well, I say HA! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE!

To prove that Republicans can be funny, I, Ralph Piss, will deliver twenty minutes of sparkling right-wing wit, in person, at an undisclosed Manhattan location on the holy night of Wednesday, December 13.

My performance, sure to go down in history as one of comedy's greatest moments, will be filmed for the upcoming documentary film Who is Ralph Piss? This is a hot ticket, my fellow Americans, and space is limited because we're filled to the gills with V.I.P.s. But if you think you're such a big shot, e-mail me and I will see what I can do about getting you in. The rest of you will see the film soon!

LEFT-WING DOMINANCE OF AMERICAN COMEDY ENDS ON DECEMBER 13!

That's all for now, my fellow Americans. I'm going to practice my act.

Karl Rove Tragic Shocker

Sad news today, my fellow Americans...something terrible has happened to Karl Rove. We should all send Karl our heartfelt condolences, care of the White House. I know some conservatives have turned on Karl, but they are nothing but turncoats to me. Let us not forget that it was Karl Rove who engineered the glorious ascendancy of President George W. Bush, an American leader of Biblical proportions. If you're reading this, Karl, I know you will be all right.

It's Torture for Liberals!

Here it is, my fellow Americans -- the true story of why Ralph Piss: Piss on America got started.

You see...as you may have noticed, the last few years, the Dummycrat lefties just cannot shut up about torture! Every time I praise the God-given greatness of President Bush, or express awe at the beautiful miracle of freedom that is slowly but surely taking the liberated people of Iraq by glorious storm, some whiny liberal has to start jerking off about torture this and torture that. Torture, torture, torture. It's all they say!

I follow the news very closely, and frankly I am not at all convinced that any American soldier tortured anybody, and CERTAINLY not at the request of the Secretary of Defense or the President or the Vice President, as most libs would have us believe. But that's not even the point. Who cares if they're torturing al Qaeda? I want them to torture al Qaeda! That's what we went over there to do!

Now, some might say, how do you know if the guy's in al Qaeda before you torture him? Well, OBVIOUSLY, you ask. If he says yes, then he's a terrorist -- torture him immediately! If he says no, you ask again, in a stronger tone of voice. Yes, you might have to rough him up a little bit, but if he's a terrorist, he will eventually break down and confess. He may then provide useful information -- and that, my fellow Americans, is how you stop the terrorists.

When you're facing an enemy that's willing to be a suicide bomber and die for Allah, you can't rely on the pleasant niceties that characterized U.S. operations in Vietnam. If we have to torture terrorists to prevent the next 9/11, then I say praise the Lord and let me have a turn with the pliers.

Anyway, we don't torture, but maybe we should. Of course, then the libs would be right. Probably the biggest atrocity of the whole Iraq War is that it has given so many Dummycrats an opportunity to bash their country with made-up hokum about war crimes and occupiers. In fact, the worst TORTURE being committed in the world today is the TORTURE of listening to liberals talk about it! If only there were some way to torture them back...!

And that's what I was thinking, my friends, when three words appeared before me like angels singing in Heaven. PISS ON AMERICA. A blog. A radio show. A book. A movie. A way of living American, loving America, the real America, where George Washington is the Father of our Country, but God is the Father of Us All, for as the Father of Jesus Christ, whose love is there for all who accept it, God willed a great nation to arise on this shining hill called America, and America like Jesus Christ is His son, and we are all his sons, and God's sons will march gloriously to battle whenever His love appoints it.

MY NAME IS RALPH PISS, I said in my prayers that night, AND I KNOW I AM RIGHT. I knew it then and I know it now. And I knew that I had to tell the truth however I could get it out there -- write, speak, record! Because by telling the truth -- about government, about history, about war and God and country -- I would be fulfilling the supreme goal that started it all. I would be torturing liberals. And I will not stop until they admit that they are terrorists.

Resolved, my friends! I hope you will join me on this adventure, this sacred fight for the soul of America. Now go to work!

Dummycrat Diamond: "RALPH PISS IS RIGHT!"

Ah, SWEET, SWEET VICTORY, my fellow Americans! You know, conservatives like to eat steak and apple pie, but what liberals eat most of the time is THEIR WORDS!

I realize I'm gloating, but it is just so nice to be totally vindicated. As you may know, my fellow Americans, I have had a conflict with a Dummycrat blogger named Noah Diamond. This lefty doesn't know the first thing about politics, and he definitely hates America and all that our forefathers fought and died for, but he is good with computers. So I asked him to help set up this website for me. Then, suddenly, he denied that he even knew me, and that he was "providing a forum for Piss." (There's more about that here, and for the juicy scoop, listen to "Ralph Piss Defends Himself.")

But now, he sure has his tail between his legs. (I guess it's a relief to hear that he has something between his legs!) In a tear-soaked apology posted on his disgusting liberal blog, Dummycrat Diamond has EATEN HIS WORDS, and made clear that the voice of reason and truth, through this whole nasty ordeal, has been the Voice of Piss.

"Ralph Piss is right," he says. Oh, mama, let's hear it again! "RALPH PISS IS RIGHT," HE SAYS. Sweet, sweet shame!

He goes on: "The truth, obviously, is that I do know who he is, and yes, I did help him set up his blog, and I am hosting some of his sounds and images." It's just like Reverend Haggard confessing about his gay problem! "I didn't tell the whole truth," Diamond pathetically admits, wallowing in his own lameness. It's the height of liberal hokum to say "I didn't tell the whole truth" when you've just admitted that everything you said was a lie. Diamond also says that he is "fascinated" with me. Very creepy. I believe he is disturbed and dangerous, and I advise you to keep your distance, my fellow Americans.

Anyhow, at least he has taken back some of his foul LIES. Perhaps America can move on now. Dummycrat Diamond's weepy apology to Ralph Piss is what they call a watershed, my friends. It almost makes up for the midterms.

Some Things Are Sacred

Well, my fellow Americans, it feels like the Dummycrats seized control of our Congress no more than nine days ago. And yet it is already clear that our once-great republic is trending toward Satan. As you may know, Satan often travels to our world in disguise, sometimes as a seemingly kind old man in a robe, sometimes as a senator-elect from Missouri. Claire McCaskill -- and this is nerve -- actually thanked Rush Limbaugh for helping to get her elected! Obviously, this is like thanking Jesus for Columbine. It's put me in such a foul mood that nothing could cheer me up except for the hilarious right-wing jokes I posted earlier this week.

The problem with the Dummycrats (that's what I call Democrats) is that they just don't understand that some things are sacred. To make the point clearly -- and to tide you over while you wait eagerly for the premiere of my Internet radio show, Ralph Piss: Piss On America (coming soon!) -- I've recorded some of my thoughts on the matter. Listen to Ralph Piss: Some Things Are Sacred to get the skinny on our national anthem, Francis Scott Key, and when human life really begins. (I'll give you a hint: I don't buy into the Conception Compromise.)

The Height of Flip-Flopping

My fellow Americans, I didn't want to waste any of this precious space talking about liberal bloggers, because I didn't want to give them any attention. But I have been hurt, and I must speak. Basically, a lefty blogger named Noah Diamond helped me put this website together, because he said he wanted a diversity of opinion, or some such liberal hokum. And now I read on his disgusting Dummycrat blog that he denies he has "provided a forum for Piss." In fact, he says he doesn't even know me. This is the absolute height of liberal elitism and flip-flopping, and it hurt, and so I have decided to make a recording of me, Ralph Piss, telling the true story. I hope you enjoy it and I hope the liberals hate it. It's just to tide you over while you wait for the first installment of my Internet radio show, Ralph Piss: Piss On America, coming soon! Now that's enough time wasted on liberal bloggers...go read some of my funny right-wing jokes to ease the pain of last week's so-called elections!

More Great Right-Wing Jokes

I recently posted some funny jokes to ease the pain of the Dummycrat siege that crushed our once-noble republic last Tuesday. And I got so many wonderful responses -- Irv from Wyoming writes, "Without these jokes, I definitely would have killed myself" -- that I decided to dip back into the bottomless well of Piss and post a few more. Enjoy, my fellow Americans!

Q: Why did the Democrats make us more vulnerable to a terrorist attack?
A: Because all they know how to do is raise taxes!

Q: What do you call a liberal who doesn't believe in God?
A: A left-wing atheist.

Abraham Lincoln, George W. Bush, and Nancy Pelosi are on an airplane, and the plane is going down, and there are only two parachutes. President Bush says, "You two take the parachutes just in case, but I think I can fly this plane!" And he does, and he saves their lives. And then Nancy Pelosi resigns.

Q: Why do they call it Affirmative Action?
A: Because they couldn't get into a good college, because they weren't black!

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Appropriations bill.
- Appropriations bill who?
- Appropraitions bill someone else for it, after the Democrats ruin the economy!

Q: What do you call a feminist with a wedding ring?
A: A gay lesbian.

A man is sitting in his house, and all his friends come to the door, and they say, "A storm is coming! Let's evacuate to safety!" But the man says, "No, no, I'm not going anywhere. I have faith in God, and God will protect me." And that's exactly what happened. You didn't hear all this screaming about levees.

Q: What did Hitler say to Stalin?
A: I really enjoyed that Michael Moore film!

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- An unborn baby.
- An unborn baby who?
- You must be a liberal if you don't know who an unborn baby is!

Q: Why did everyone laugh at the stupid man?
A: Because he said he was against the war, but he voted to give the president the authority.

Well, I guess that's enough jokes for now, my fellow Americans. But who knows, if I get more letters, maybe I'll post more jokes. And watch for the first installment of my Internet radio show, Ralph Piss: Piss On America, coming soon! GET PISSED!

Jokes to Ease the Pain

People don't listen to the Voice of Piss just because of my insight into national affairs. My readers know that this nation does not have affairs! People also listen to the Voice of Piss because I serve up my commentary with a healthy dose of yuks, or what egghead liberals call "humor." So to make you feel a little bit better about the disaster that befell our country in last week's so-called midterm elections, here are some funny jokes.

Q: What do you call a Democrat who just got elected to Congress?
A: Somebody with no plan for Iraq.

Q: What's the difference between a liberal and a cheese?
A: Cheese doesn't hate everything America was built on.

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Nancy Pelosi.
- Nancy Pelosi who?
- I don't know.

Jack Murtha and Bernie Sanders walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get for you fellas?" Murtha says, "Oh, I'll let my friend decide, because I'm a coward." So the bartender looks at Sanders and says, "What'll it be?" And Sanders says, "Don't ask me -- I'm a Communist!"

Q: Why do liberals like to burn American flags?
A: They have scorn for everything our brave soldiers have died trying to defend.

Don't worry, I've got more where that came from. So cheer up!

Dummycrat Victory is No Good

Well, the Dummycrats won the House and the Dummycrats won the Senate. I call them Dummycrats for two reasons -- one, because they're dumb, and two, because they're dummies. Nobody knows yet what the full consequences of this will be, but I think the end of the world is a safe guess. President Bush has been adamant about fighting the terrorists over there, but that's all over now. Now we have to fight the terrorists on Capitol Hill, which of course is a well-known hill in Washington, which of course is the Capitol. The Dummycrats have even elected a Muslim to the House of Representatives. My advice to the Capitol police: That thing in his pocket ain't for cutting boxes, if you know what I mean.

The Dummycrat victory is bad news for America, but it is good news for some, including:

1. Lazy people on welfare.
2. Fairyboys.
3. Spotted owls.
4. Osama Hussein.
5. Hitler.

It's also good news for the liberal media, especially the New York Slimes. That's what I call the New York Times, because they're slimy, if you know what I mean. The Slimes didn't endorse a single American candidate this year. (American is my word for Republican, because that's what Republicans are -- Americans. Dummycrats are French, which is my word for French people.)

Fancy Pelosi is going to be the Speaker of the House, so look for a sharp increase in homosexuality nationwide. Basically, Fancy Pelosi will try to turn the whole country into Man Francisco, a well-known town in Californicate, where men have sex with men, and if one of them accidentally has sex with a woman, they eat the baby.

Shame on Republicans for not turning out in record numbers to prevent this disaster from taking place, if you know what I mean. And it hurts me to say this, but shame on President Bush for saying he would work with the Dummycrats. You can't work with them, Mr. President. That would be like working with the opposition. It's so unfortunate that President Bush has suddenly lost his spine -- that's what I call the backbone. And it's quadruply unfortunate that he let Donald Rumsfeld resign as soon as the Dummycrats won. Without Rumsfeld in charge, I'm afraid that the situation in Iraq will become disorganized, ineffective, maybe even dangerous.

It's a dark time for America, my fellow Americans, but if by some miracle the country is still here in two years, we have a chance to put things right, if you know what I mean. As far as I'm concerned, there's only one thing that can save us: JEB BUSH FOR PRESIDENT! Yes, it's a dark time for our white country. But rest assured that a voice of right-wing reason will be there to comfort you every step of the way. And that voice is the Voice of Piss.

Bad Dream

I would enjoy to write about this election night night but however i am drinking.