Piss On America

Sarah Palin Poem #232

2010-03-23T11:23:00.007-04:00

(This Sarah Poem was inspired by "Requiem for America," a BRILLIANT article by J.D. Longstreet, who is RIGHT ON. He reminds me of myself!)

Sarah Palin, save us from
"health reform" that's really dumb.
Marxist commies took our land,
so it's time to take a stand.
Freedoms threatened all around,
burning values on the ground.

Obama killed our country's worth
and he has no certificate of birth.
I pray to God that Sarah can
save us from this evil man,
and then one day our freedom's wing
will fly again, and everything.

Liberal Lies About Ralph Piss (Again)

2010-03-16T21:31:00.007-04:00

Indulge me, my fellow Americans. I really shouldn't be writing about personal things when there are so many BIG ISSUES going on, like the WONDERFUL decision of the Texas school board to teach our children the TRUTH about history, and the TERRIBLE government takeover of our freedom which the Dummycrats are trying to RAM DOWN OUR THROATS UNTIL WE CHOKE ON HAMMERS AND SICKLES!

But unfortunately, Dr. Piss has to tend to a very sick patient.

For those of you who do not know -- and I would not blame you for not knowing, because nobody cares -- "Noah Diamond" (if that is his real name) is a TERRIBLE liberal Communist who for some sad reason has been absolutely OBSESSED with Ralph Piss for years. I went to see one of his plays a long time ago, just to see how bad it was (and it was VERY BAD), and he was SUCH A JERK. Then he had his little "girlfriend" (OBVIOUSLY THEY ARE BOTH GAY HOMOSEXUALS AND THEIR "RELATIONSHIP" IS A FRONT) hit me with her shoe. That's the way they are, she has all the muscle. Anyway, since that awful night, Diamond WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE and takes every opportunity, in his blog, and in his stupid videos, to attack and degrade Ralph Piss. For an example of how unreasonable and crazy he is, read THESE COMMENTS left on this very blog recently.

Well, one night not very long ago, I was sitting at home cleaning my gun -- it's an 82 -- when the phone rang. Thinking it was Sarah Palin, I answered. But it was Noah Diamond. I immediately PUKED, so to speak!

"Why are you bothering Ralph Piss?" I demanded.

"Listen, Ralph," he said, in his pathetic liberal voice, "I've been thinking lately that I've been very unfair to you and actually everything you say is right."

"I don't accept your apology," I said.

"I understand. I wouldn't accept my apology either if I were you, because I'm such a STUPID DUMMYCRAT LEFTY!"

"Right," I said.

"But wait, please, Ralph," he whimpered. "Please don't hang up, Ralph, please. There's more. I want to say this: My name is Noah Diamond, and I am NOT VERY SMART! I don't know anything about politics, and my comedy plays are NOT FUNNY! I would not mind being such a TALENTLESS SOCIALIST if it weren't for the example set by RALPH PISS!!! Now THERE is a true artist and a great patriot who does hilarious comedy and LOVES HIS COUNTRY'S FREEDOM! If only I could be more like RALPH PISS, then I wouldn't be such a stupid liberal!!! I have no taste!!! And that is why my website is so stupid."

"Do you mind if I quote you in full on my website?"

"Not at all, Ralph. I'd be honored."

SO I DID. Not only did I post it here on this blog here, I also decided to create a special new website to showcase Diamond's words, and also to point out a few of the differences between him and me! (It's GREAT! CHECK IT OUT!) Well, next thing you know, he's ALL MAD AT RALPH PISS! He's been leaving comments everywhere claiming that he never said what HE KNOWS HE SAID TO ME ON THE PHONE THAT TIME, and even demanding that I remove it! As if I care what he says! As if he can make me do anything!!! He even wrote a whole stupid post on his blog, LYING about the whole thing and once again saying nasty and not true things about Ralph Piss.

I think this guy is REALLY UNSTABLE. Well, you HAVE to be unstable to be a liberal. Which reminds me of a joke: What did the psychologist say to the liberal? "I can't do anything for you -- you're insane!"

Sarah Palin Poem #219

2010-03-12T23:26:00.009-05:00

Sarah Palin, burning bright,
give us strength to win the fight.

Sarah Palin, shining strong,
Help us make our freedom long.

Sarah Palin, it is true,
no one's more better than you.

That was another poem in my series of Palin Poetry, which will soon be PUBLISHED as THE FIRST BOOK BY RALPH PISS, I think! Other than my poetry, I've also been working on a plan to stop the Obamacrats from their MASSIVE GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER of YOUR FREEDOM! And have any of you ever heard of the liberal Dummycrat who tries to take credit for the achievements of Ralph Piss? Well, I started A GREAT NEW WEBSITE all about him! Check it out! God bless!

Liberal: "If Only I Could Be More Like Ralph Piss"

2010-03-11T19:03:00.000-05:00

An unknown liberal dummy just called me and said:

"My name is Noah Diamond, and I am NOT VERY SMART! I don't know anything about politics, and my comedy plays are NOT FUNNY! I would not mind being such a TALENTLESS SOCIALIST if it weren't for the example set by RALPH PISS!!! Now THERE is a true artist and a great patriot who does hilarious comedy and LOVES HIS COUNTRY'S FREEDOM! If only I could be more like RALPH PISS, then I wouldn't be such a stupid liberal!!! I have no taste!!! And that is why my website is so stupid."

"New Faces of 1492" Sucks

2010-03-10T16:32:00.001-05:00

Well, the Communist operatives at Nero Fiddled are at it again, with a vile animated cartoon trashing the man who discovered America. It's the usual PC liberal Dummycrat take on Christopher Columbus, all about how he was a bad guy because he was mean to the Indians. I'm sure they were bothering him in some way. Columbus was a GREAT HERO and a brilliant navigator, and that's the truth! God bless America!

Ralph Piss: "Who is Ralph Piss?" is NOT Ralph Piss!

2009-04-08T15:28:00.005-04:00

I've been away for a while, my fellow Americans -- trying to cope with the terrible fact that on November 4, 2008, America fell to the terrorists! I was in rough shape for a while there! I didn't make it any easier on myself with all my BINGE DRINKING! Anyway, I've finally managed to pull myself together. Why? Because my country needs me. Now that America has gone Communist for the first time since Bill Clinton was in office, we need a Ralph Piss more than ever. And I, it just so happens, am a Ralph Piss. So I've been working on many fascinating projects, including a new opera called September 12.

But alas, there is also bad news. Some of the more devoted Piss Heads will recall that a few years back, around the time of my comedy performance debut, I fell in with a couple of despicable showfolk who had expressed an interest in making a documentary about Ralph Piss. Their vulgar hatchet job, entitled Who is Ralph Piss?, has just been released. This loathsome piece of Dummycrat propaganda was shamelessly manipulated, through clever film editing tricks. They are trying to discredit the conservative movement by making Ralph Piss look ridiculous!

I, Ralph Piss, condemn the documentary film Who is Ralph Piss?, and I urge you not to watch it. For more, here is my video response to the documentary:

Life After Bush: A Disgusting Night of Liberal Lies

2008-10-21T13:52:00.004-04:00

THEATRE REVIEW by Ralph Piss

Life After Bush is the latest leftist garbage from the vile hate-merchants at Nero Fiddled. As hard as this is to imagine, it is even worse than their previous efforts. Burning Bush and Moral Value Meal were revolting, because they disrespected my President. But Life After Bush goes even further. It disrespects my Sarah!

About two-thirds of the way into this atrocious night of hero-smearing, my senses were dazzled by the sudden entrance of...SARAH PALIN, WHO I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD! For a second, I was really happy! It was right in the middle of a terrible scene in which various members of the Nero Fiddled cell explained why they like to kill babies. I was about to have a barf problem, if you know what I mean, but then, there was my Sarah, as beautiful as ever! I figured she was there to shut down this terrible show, then take me in her arms and go someplace where we can be alone, if you know what I mean!

But no. Cruel, cruel life. It wasn't really her at all. Instead, it was the slimy Dummycrat diva Amanda Sisk, merely pretending to be my Sarah, probably in a pathetic attempt to get me into bed! Isn't it funny how these chicks all claim to be liberals, yet they all want to sleep with Ralph Piss?

After that, I really couldn't pay attention to the rest of the show, but I probably wasn't missng much. Based on the first two thirds, it wasn't going anywhere; it was a typical night of supporting the terrorists and saying what our enemies want to hear, and redistributing the wealth, without preconditions.

Tarik Davis, who played B. Hussein Obama, was not convincing at all; he didn't even wear a turban! And he spoke English the whole time! Avi Phillips as John McCain was a little bit better, because at least he was wearing an army helmet, which means he probably supports our troops. But what kind of a name is Avi? It sounds kind of Middle Eastern, doesn't it? Great -- another terrorist! I guess that's why they cast him as the ultra-liberal John McCain!

Brian Louis Hoffman returns as President Bush, and unfortunately his version of the character has not changed much since Burning Bush. Hoffman just doesn't have good insticts, I guess. He always plays President Bush as though he were not very smart. It's a bizarre choice, because as all God-fearing patriots know, President Bush is one of the intellectual giants of the modern world.

Sisk's performance as Hillary Clinton also misses the mark. It would have been much funnier if she stuffed something in her pants for the role. You know why? Because Hillary Clinton has BALLS! But unfortunately Nero Fiddled is just not capable of that kind of sophisticated political satire.

Those kinds of mistakes were all over the show. Sadrina Johnson played Michelle Obama, but she didn't even blow anything up. Kim Moscaritolo played the mainstream media, but without horns. (Both of these actresses seemed to be staring at me A LOT throughout the whole show, which might have thrown them off their game a little bit. It happens to me a lot, because all women want me! If you know what I mean!!!)

Another mistake: Moscaritolo, playing the reporter, stood up straight, as opposed to leaning to the left, the way the real media does. Obviously Kim Moscaritolo has never really watched the news. However, I have to admit that she was wonderful in the role of Cindy McCain! I just wish she had been a little less polite to the maid. It would have been great to see her kicking the help!

Also in the cast was Dummycrat Diamond, doing his usual tired schtick.

On the whole, Life After Bush is truly a disgusting night of theatre, reeking of liberal ideas, and determined to hide the truth about who B. Hussein Obama really is and what he would do to this country if he had a box-cutter. It was the worst thing I've seen since the last Nero Fiddled show, and probably the worst thing I will see until the next Nero Fiddled show.

But putting on a bad show isn't a crime. We can't all be gifted comic artists, like I am! (Watch my comedy clips to see how it's done!) But you know what is a crime? DISSING MY SARAH, who I LOVE, and who no matter how this election goes, I know will one day come and take me away and we will be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! (If you know what I mean!)

Life After Bush sucked!

9/11, Seven Years Later

2008-09-11T11:40:00.002-04:00

Today is another anniversary of the tragic events of September 11, 2001, which brought terror to our shores and emboldened our greatest president, George W. Bush, to take the fight to our enemies.

On this historic day, when we commemorate the lives of those who perished and the heroism of those who helped, I am consumed by one constant thought:

I LOVE SARAH PALIN!

Sarah Palin for President!

2008-09-04T13:33:00.003-04:00

I'm not so crazy about the ultra-liberal John McCain, a raving left-wing extremist who the Republican Party has inexplicably chosen as its nominee. I was ready to vote for Bob Barr, the libertarian candidate, or to write in Mitt Romney or Fred Thompson or maybe Jeb. But now I am voting for John McCain. I never thought I'd say it, but McCain has actually won me over.

How did he do it, you might ask? I can tell you in eight words: I LOVE SARAH PALIN! I LOVE SARAH PALIN!

Not since George W. Bush Himself has there been a political candidate who I've felt this way about -- it's more than just ideological agreement. It's physical.

So I can now happily say JOHN McCAIN FOR PRESIDENT! Honestly, how long is this guy going to last? And then it will be Sarah's turn! I love you, Sarah!

SARAH PALIN FOR PRESIDENT!

Mitt Romney is the Piss Choice

2008-02-01T19:24:00.000-05:00

Well, my fellow Americans, the Dummycrats are going to nominate either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. That's what it's come down to: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Two black women with well-known ties to the gay community. Against that liberal/gay juggernaut, who will the Republicans nominate to fly the flag of America?

John McCain? Are you kidding me? In a recent report by the America Institute, McCain was found to be the most liberal senator, even more liberal than self-described socialist Bernie Sanders. (It should probably be Burnie Sanders, because he's going to burn in hell!)

That's why I am doing what I usually refrain from doing, and endorsing a candidate in a primary election. Because I am well aware of the profound influence I exert on my devoted following, I usually stay silent through the primaries, and back the Republican candidate in the general election. But this is an emergency.

That's why I, Ralph Piss, am endorsing Mitt Romney for President of the United States.

Yes, I share your reservations about Romney's left-of-center record as governor of Massachusetts. But Massachusetts is arguably the gayest state ever. Romney may have been too liberal in the past, but he has now been consistently conservative for several months, while McCain continues to favor amnesty for terrorists, and eats fetuses for dinner.

It's getting desperate, my fellow patriots. Super Tuesday is this coming Tuesday. If the Republican Party is to survive, if the conservative movement is to have a future, if you don't want gay Muslims to end Christmas as we know it, please, please, please vote for Mitt Romney.

PLEASE?

SO-CALLED "VERY NICE EVENING" IS NOT GOING TO BE VERY NICE!

2007-08-02T12:34:00.000-04:00

Just in case any of you were thinking about going to A VERY NICE EVENING, my fellow Americans, let me strongly advise against it! All the hype and publicity surrounding this event suggest that it's going to be a very nice evening, but trust me, it's NOT going to be a very nice evening. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because this so-called "very nice evening" is nothing more than another ANTI-AMERICAN HATE-FEST from DUMMYCRAT DIAMOND and his disgusting liberal friends! So DO NOT GO TO THE VERY NICE EVENING! It will NOT be VERY NICE, and if you go then you are probably a terrorist!

NOT VERY NICE!

More Leftist Drivel from Dummycrat Diamond

2007-07-17T14:30:00.000-04:00

Well, my fellow Americans, the liberal crowd -- also known as the enemies of freedom -- is at it again. Revelling in our President's allegedly low approval ratings (obviously fabricated by the Dummycrat media), they're still taking every opportunity to see that the evil forces of Islamic terrorism and secular humanism triumph in their mission to destroy American values.

And the worst of them is Dummycrat Diamond, who believe it or not is STILL publishing dangerous left-wing lies on his badly-written blog. His most recent entry is full of nasty attacks on people of faith, because if there's one thing a liberal hates, it's God. But that's okay, because God hates them too.

Diamond refers to decent, God-fearing Americans as "crazed, hysterical zealots" and"religious lunatics." He even has the nerve to portray the great patriots at Operation Save America as "a well-known group of criminally insane ideologues who take mythology literally and subscribe to an alternate, fictitious version of American history."

He's really stupid. God will punish him, and so will President Brownback.

Right-Wing Comedy Takes YouTube by Storm

2007-02-21T08:53:00.000-05:00

One of my YouTube videos, Ralph Piss: Conservative Comedian, has been getting a lot of positive attention lately, which is very exciting! It now seems there is nothing standing between Ralph Piss and a career in show business. I want to be the Republican Charlie Chaplin. Here's a sampling of some of the inspiring and encouraging comments my fans have left on YouTube:

"That was hilarious...i hope you do make it to 1/2 hr news hr!"

"Conservitives do need a comedian!"

"i think you're funny as hell and 100% right on the issues...it's obvious you have talent!...keep it up and post more asap."

"WOW!"

"hell of an effort!"

"hilarious!"

Watch the video and join the conversation! There are now six clips on the Ralph Piss YouTube Channel.

ONE RED STATE IN 2008!

Wise Words from Our Second-Greatest Republican President

2007-02-17T15:56:00.000-05:00

"Congressmen who willfully take action during wartime that damage the morale and undermine the military are saboteurs, and should be arrested, exiled, or hanged." -- Abraham Lincoln

Surnow's "Half Hour News Hour" Premieres Sunday!

2007-02-15T21:25:00.000-05:00

It was a gloomy morning, my fellow Americans, but it was enlivened by the HILARIOUS clip I found on YouTube of the BRILLIANT news satire show which the GENIUS producer Joel "24" Surnow is about to launch on the Fox News Channel! It's called The Half Hour News Hour -- I love it, even the title is funny! -- and it premieres Sunday night! Ralph Piss, for one, will be watching.

I've been excited about this show for a long time, ever since I read about it in Forbes, the handbook of the ruling class. Here's a clip of me talking about it, and about how it inspired me to be a comedian, from my sold-out 2006 extravaganza, Ralph Piss Live:

There's another GREAT Half Hour News Hour clip on this page. Get this -- Rush Limbaugh plays the President of the United States, and Ann Coulter is Vice President! But if you go to watch that clip, ignore the stupid comments of the liberal Dummycrat who posted it. Don't worry, after the Rapture we won't have to tolerate his kind any longer.

I can tell The Half Hour News Hour is going to cheer me up, with a lot of laughs and a lot of patriotism, during this terrible dark age of the Dummycrat congressional majority. I know in my heart that America is going to be ONE RED STATE IN 2008, and I have discussed this with Jesus Christ, but what neither of us could figure out is which Republican candidate to get behind. I love Rudy Giuliani as a Hero of 9/11, but let's face it, he's gay, and a liberal. Mitt Romney is also gay. Sam Brownback understands the meaning of "American values," but the name Brownback sounds a little too gay.

My fellow Americans, I never thought I'd say this, back in 2000 or so. But something has changed since then.

John McCain has turned into George W. Bush.

Ralph Piss endorses John McCain for President of the United States.

A Good, Conservative Puppet Show

2006-12-21T18:34:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas, my fellow Americans -- and I do mean Merry Christmas, not Happy Hanukkah, because this is not Israel, and not Happy Kwanzaa, because this is not Africa. Merry Christmas, because this is a Christian nation, which is why we have the most powerful Army in the world! As a Christmas treat for my loyal readers, here's another excerpt from my recent sensational live appearance. In this clip, I'm performing one of two puppet shows included in my debut performance:

To see more clips from my show, click here.

THE LADIES LOVE PISS!

2006-12-14T23:39:00.000-05:00

GIRLS GAGA FOR RIGHT-WING COMEDIAN
ECHOES OF BEATLEMANIA

This picture was taken last night at the WILD after-party following the SENSATIONAL live performance debut of Ralph Piss! What a night...I'm still glowing from the S.R.O. crowd and the three standing O's! You see, my fellow Americans, I'm already picking up the showbiz lingo. And speaking of lingo, did you see Tony Snow's briefing today? Now that was LINGO! Okay! If you missed my performance last night, or if you saw it and you want to relive the glorious experience, here are some brief excerpts, which you will LOVE. There will be much, much more included in the upcoming documentary film Who is Ralph Piss?

RALPH PISS SHOW A HUGE SUCCESS!

2006-12-14T14:18:00.000-05:00

MOST BRILLIANT DEBUT SINCE ADAM
A PACKED HOUSE APPLAUDS RALPH PISS; EVERYONE LOVED IT

(SCROLL DOWN FOR VIDEO.)

My fellow Americans, last night was my live performance comedy debut, and it was AMAZING! (Unless you ask Dummycrat Diamond, but notice that nobody did!) There was a packed house -- we actually had to turn people away, and I am in negotiations for an extended run at a larger venue! The enthusiastic crowd was wild for Piss! They lapped Piss right up, and I believe my comedy act was so strong that many who walked into the theatre as liberal Dummycrats left as conservative Pissketeers.

It was, by any standards, a glorious victory for both comedy and right-wing politics. Hearing that hysterical laughter, feeling that thundering applause -- two standing ovations, if I remember correctly! -- has changed Ralph Piss. I realize now that I was born to do more than simply spread the gospel of conservatism. I was also born to be on stage, to entertain. And I hereby resolve to keep on doing it, no matter what.

You'll be able to see video of last night's show soon, with additional footage, in the upcoming documentary Who is Ralph Piss? In the meantime, I'm sure you will enjoy these excerpts:

More soon, my fellow Americans. ONE RED STATE IN 2008! This is Ralph Piss, the successful right-wing humorist, saying IN GOD WE TRUST! Now go to work!

The I.S.G. Hates America

2006-12-11T10:42:00.000-05:00

The liberal Dummycrats are up in arms because it looks like President Bush -- THANK GOD -- is NOT going to follow the recommendations of the I.S.G. (That should stand for Ignorant Stupid Girlie-men, but it's Iraq Study Group.) For those of you who have not read the group's report -- and believe me, it's not worth your time -- here is a summary of their recommendations:

1. Surrender and pull the troops out of Iraq, thereby giving the terrorists a chance to attack us again.

2. Make friends with known terrorists in Iran and Syria. (The liberal Dummycrats have a special word for making friends with terrorists. They call it "diplomacy.")

3. Turn our backs on everything our forefathers fought and died for.

4. Free abortions for everybody.

Now, why should anyone follow advice like that? Ralph Piss, for one, supports President Bush's plan, which goes like this:

1. Kill the terrorists.

2. Liberate the people of Iraq.

3. Make America safer.

4. Freedom.

5. God.

And he didn't even need a blue-ribbon panel to come up with it. So who do you think should be making decisions for this country -- President Bush, or the terrorists? The I.S.G. is nothing but a bunch of SURRENDER MONKEYS! They are also RETREAT APES, TREASON BABOONS, and CUT AND RUN GORILLAS!

Ralph Piss is Funny -- And Willing to Prove It!

2006-12-02T21:55:00.000-05:00

DUMMYCRAT DIAMOND SAYS REPUBLICANS AREN'T FUNNY

RALPH PISS ACCEPTS HIS CHALLENGE, ANNOUNCES NYC COMEDY APPEARANCE

One thing that can never be said about Ralph Piss, my fellow Americans, is that he does not enjoy a good yuk. I know, because I am Ralph Piss, and I do enjoy a good yuk. Come to think of it, that was a good yuk right there.

But when I'm flipping through the channels on TV, I'm always disappointed by the comedy that's on these days. Some of it's funny, but nearly all of it is liberal. Since the liberals control the media, only lefty extremists like David Letterman and Jerry Seinfeld get to be the comedy stars, while hilariously funny right-wing comedians, like the fabulous Julia Gorin, are ignored. This is a tragedy, not a comedy!

And that is why I'm so thrilled about the wonderful news that Fox News Channel is launching a right-wing answer to The Daily Show! But unlike the lame and unpopular Daily Show, this one might actually be funny. It's created by Joel Surnow, the genius behind 24 -- a dark and disturbing dystopian fantasy about what would happen if America had a black president.

Well, it's no surprise that the Dummycrat liberal bloggers are fit to be waterboarded. It's terrifying to them that Fox, the most trusted name in news, could become the most trusted name in comedy as well. Soon Fox will be the most trusted name in everything, and nobody will trust any other names ever again. But not if the lefties have their way. Dummycrat Diamond is so upset, he even says that Republicans can't be funny! Well, I say HA! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE!

To prove that Republicans can be funny, I, Ralph Piss, will deliver twenty minutes of sparkling right-wing wit, in person, at an undisclosed Manhattan location on the holy night of Wednesday, December 13.

My performance, sure to go down in history as one of comedy's greatest moments, will be filmed for the upcoming documentary film Who is Ralph Piss? This is a hot ticket, my fellow Americans, and space is limited because we're filled to the gills with V.I.P.s. But if you think you're such a big shot, e-mail me and I will see what I can do about getting you in. The rest of you will see the film soon!

LEFT-WING DOMINANCE OF AMERICAN COMEDY ENDS ON DECEMBER 13!

That's all for now, my fellow Americans. I'm going to practice my act.

Karl Rove Tragic Shocker

2006-11-20T14:45:00.000-05:00

Sad news today, my fellow Americans...something terrible has happened to Karl Rove. We should all send Karl our heartfelt condolences, care of the White House. I know some conservatives have turned on Karl, but they are nothing but turncoats to me. Let us not forget that it was Karl Rove who engineered the glorious ascendancy of President George W. Bush, an American leader of Biblical proportions. If you're reading this, Karl, I know you will be all right.

It's Torture for Liberals!

2006-11-18T08:43:00.000-05:00

Here it is, my fellow Americans -- the true story of why Ralph Piss: Piss on America got started.

You see...as you may have noticed, the last few years, the Dummycrat lefties just cannot shut up about torture! Every time I praise the God-given greatness of President Bush, or express awe at the beautiful miracle of freedom that is slowly but surely taking the liberated people of Iraq by glorious storm, some whiny liberal has to start jerking off about torture this and torture that. Torture, torture, torture. It's all they say!

I follow the news very closely, and frankly I am not at all convinced that any American soldier tortured anybody, and CERTAINLY not at the request of the Secretary of Defense or the President or the Vice President, as most libs would have us believe. But that's not even the point. Who cares if they're torturing al Qaeda? I want them to torture al Qaeda! That's what we went over there to do!

Now, some might say, how do you know if the guy's in al Qaeda before you torture him? Well, OBVIOUSLY, you ask. If he says yes, then he's a terrorist -- torture him immediately! If he says no, you ask again, in a stronger tone of voice. Yes, you might have to rough him up a little bit, but if he's a terrorist, he will eventually break down and confess. He may then provide useful information -- and that, my fellow Americans, is how you stop the terrorists.

When you're facing an enemy that's willing to be a suicide bomber and die for Allah, you can't rely on the pleasant niceties that characterized U.S. operations in Vietnam. If we have to torture terrorists to prevent the next 9/11, then I say praise the Lord and let me have a turn with the pliers.

Anyway, we don't torture, but maybe we should. Of course, then the libs would be right. Probably the biggest atrocity of the whole Iraq War is that it has given so many Dummycrats an opportunity to bash their country with made-up hokum about war crimes and occupiers. In fact, the worst TORTURE being committed in the world today is the TORTURE of listening to liberals talk about it! If only there were some way to torture them back...!

And that's what I was thinking, my friends, when three words appeared before me like angels singing in Heaven. PISS ON AMERICA. A blog. A radio show. A book. A movie. A way of living American, loving America, the real America, where George Washington is the Father of our Country, but God is the Father of Us All, for as the Father of Jesus Christ, whose love is there for all who accept it, God willed a great nation to arise on this shining hill called America, and America like Jesus Christ is His son, and we are all his sons, and God's sons will march gloriously to battle whenever His love appoints it.

MY NAME IS RALPH PISS, I said in my prayers that night, AND I KNOW I AM RIGHT. I knew it then and I know it now. And I knew that I had to tell the truth however I could get it out there -- write, speak, record! Because by telling the truth -- about government, about history, about war and God and country -- I would be fulfilling the supreme goal that started it all. I would be torturing liberals. And I will not stop until they admit that they are terrorists.

Resolved, my friends! I hope you will join me on this adventure, this sacred fight for the soul of America. Now go to work!

Dummycrat Diamond: "RALPH PISS IS RIGHT!"

2006-11-17T00:28:00.000-05:00

Ah, SWEET, SWEET VICTORY, my fellow Americans! You know, conservatives like to eat steak and apple pie, but what liberals eat most of the time is THEIR WORDS!

I realize I'm gloating, but it is just so nice to be totally vindicated. As you may know, my fellow Americans, I have had a conflict with a Dummycrat blogger named Noah Diamond. This lefty doesn't know the first thing about politics, and he definitely hates America and all that our forefathers fought and died for, but he is good with computers. So I asked him to help set up this website for me. Then, suddenly, he denied that he even knew me, and that he was "providing a forum for Piss." (There's more about that here, and for the juicy scoop, listen to "Ralph Piss Defends Himself.")

But now, he sure has his tail between his legs. (I guess it's a relief to hear that he has something between his legs!) In a tear-soaked apology posted on his disgusting liberal blog, Dummycrat Diamond has EATEN HIS WORDS, and made clear that the voice of reason and truth, through this whole nasty ordeal, has been the Voice of Piss.

"Ralph Piss is right," he says. Oh, mama, let's hear it again! "RALPH PISS IS RIGHT," HE SAYS. Sweet, sweet shame!

He goes on: "The truth, obviously, is that I do know who he is, and yes, I did help him set up his blog, and I am hosting some of his sounds and images." It's just like Reverend Haggard confessing about his gay problem! "I didn't tell the whole truth," Diamond pathetically admits, wallowing in his own lameness. It's the height of liberal hokum to say "I didn't tell the whole truth" when you've just admitted that everything you said was a lie. Diamond also says that he is "fascinated" with me. Very creepy. I believe he is disturbed and dangerous, and I advise you to keep your distance, my fellow Americans.

Anyhow, at least he has taken back some of his foul LIES. Perhaps America can move on now. Dummycrat Diamond's weepy apology to Ralph Piss is what they call a watershed, my friends. It almost makes up for the midterms.

Some Things Are Sacred

2006-11-16T11:59:00.000-05:00

Well, my fellow Americans, it feels like the Dummycrats seized control of our Congress no more than nine days ago. And yet it is already clear that our once-great republic is trending toward Satan. As you may know, Satan often travels to our world in disguise, sometimes as a seemingly kind old man in a robe, sometimes as a senator-elect from Missouri. Claire McCaskill -- and this is nerve -- actually thanked Rush Limbaugh for helping to get her elected! Obviously, this is like thanking Jesus for Columbine. It's put me in such a foul mood that nothing could cheer me up except for the hilarious right-wing jokes I posted earlier this week.

The problem with the Dummycrats (that's what I call Democrats) is that they just don't understand that some things are sacred. To make the point clearly -- and to tide you over while you wait eagerly for the premiere of my Internet radio show, Ralph Piss: Piss On America (coming soon!) -- I've recorded some of my thoughts on the matter. Listen to Ralph Piss: Some Things Are Sacred to get the skinny on our national anthem, Francis Scott Key, and when human life really begins. (I'll give you a hint: I don't buy into the Conception Compromise.)

The Height of Flip-Flopping

2006-11-14T13:52:00.000-05:00

My fellow Americans, I didn't want to waste any of this precious space talking about liberal bloggers, because I didn't want to give them any attention. But I have been hurt, and I must speak. Basically, a lefty blogger named Noah Diamond helped me put this website together, because he said he wanted a diversity of opinion, or some such liberal hokum. And now I read on his disgusting Dummycrat blog that he denies he has "provided a forum for Piss." In fact, he says he doesn't even know me. This is the absolute height of liberal elitism and flip-flopping, and it hurt, and so I have decided to make a recording of me, Ralph Piss, telling the true story. I hope you enjoy it and I hope the liberals hate it. It's just to tide you over while you wait for the first installment of my Internet radio show, Ralph Piss: Piss On America, coming soon! Now that's enough time wasted on liberal bloggers...go read some of my funny right-wing jokes to ease the pain of last week's so-called elections!

More Great Right-Wing Jokes

2006-11-14T07:20:00.000-05:00

I recently posted some funny jokes to ease the pain of the Dummycrat siege that crushed our once-noble republic last Tuesday. And I got so many wonderful responses -- Irv from Wyoming writes, "Without these jokes, I definitely would have killed myself" -- that I decided to dip back into the bottomless well of Piss and post a few more. Enjoy, my fellow Americans!

Q: Why did the Democrats make us more vulnerable to a terrorist attack?
A: Because all they know how to do is raise taxes!

Q: What do you call a liberal who doesn't believe in God?
A: A left-wing atheist.

Abraham Lincoln, George W. Bush, and Nancy Pelosi are on an airplane, and the plane is going down, and there are only two parachutes. President Bush says, "You two take the parachutes just in case, but I think I can fly this plane!" And he does, and he saves their lives. And then Nancy Pelosi resigns.

Q: Why do they call it Affirmative Action?
A: Because they couldn't get into a good college, because they weren't black!

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Appropriations bill.
- Appropriations bill who?
- Appropraitions bill someone else for it, after the Democrats ruin the economy!

Q: What do you call a feminist with a wedding ring?
A: A gay lesbian.

A man is sitting in his house, and all his friends come to the door, and they say, "A storm is coming! Let's evacuate to safety!" But the man says, "No, no, I'm not going anywhere. I have faith in God, and God will protect me." And that's exactly what happened. You didn't hear all this screaming about levees.

Q: What did Hitler say to Stalin?
A: I really enjoyed that Michael Moore film!

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- An unborn baby.
- An unborn baby who?
- You must be a liberal if you don't know who an unborn baby is!

Q: Why did everyone laugh at the stupid man?
A: Because he said he was against the war, but he voted to give the president the authority.

Well, I guess that's enough jokes for now, my fellow Americans. But who knows, if I get more letters, maybe I'll post more jokes. And watch for the first installment of my Internet radio show, Ralph Piss: Piss On America, coming soon! GET PISSED!

Jokes to Ease the Pain

2006-11-13T12:32:00.000-05:00

People don't listen to the Voice of Piss just because of my insight into national affairs. My readers know that this nation does not have affairs! People also listen to the Voice of Piss because I serve up my commentary with a healthy dose of yuks, or what egghead liberals call "humor." So to make you feel a little bit better about the disaster that befell our country in last week's so-called midterm elections, here are some funny jokes.

Q: What do you call a Democrat who just got elected to Congress?
A: Somebody with no plan for Iraq.

Q: What's the difference between a liberal and a cheese?
A: Cheese doesn't hate everything America was built on.

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Nancy Pelosi.
- Nancy Pelosi who?
- I don't know.

Jack Murtha and Bernie Sanders walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get for you fellas?" Murtha says, "Oh, I'll let my friend decide, because I'm a coward." So the bartender looks at Sanders and says, "What'll it be?" And Sanders says, "Don't ask me -- I'm a Communist!"

Q: Why do liberals like to burn American flags?
A: They have scorn for everything our brave soldiers have died trying to defend.

Don't worry, I've got more where that came from. So cheer up!

Dummycrat Victory is No Good

2006-11-10T13:33:00.001-05:00

Well, the Dummycrats won the House and the Dummycrats won the Senate. I call them Dummycrats for two reasons -- one, because they're dumb, and two, because they're dummies. Nobody knows yet what the full consequences of this will be, but I think the end of the world is a safe guess. President Bush has been adamant about fighting the terrorists over there, but that's all over now. Now we have to fight the terrorists on Capitol Hill, which of course is a well-known hill in Washington, which of course is the Capitol. The Dummycrats have even elected a Muslim to the House of Representatives. My advice to the Capitol police: That thing in his pocket ain't for cutting boxes, if you know what I mean.

The Dummycrat victory is bad news for America, but it is good news for some, including:

1. Lazy people on welfare.
2. Fairyboys.
3. Spotted owls.
4. Osama Hussein.
5. Hitler.

It's also good news for the liberal media, especially the New York Slimes. That's what I call the New York Times, because they're slimy, if you know what I mean. The Slimes didn't endorse a single American candidate this year. (American is my word for Republican, because that's what Republicans are -- Americans. Dummycrats are French, which is my word for French people.)

Fancy Pelosi is going to be the Speaker of the House, so look for a sharp increase in homosexuality nationwide. Basically, Fancy Pelosi will try to turn the whole country into Man Francisco, a well-known town in Californicate, where men have sex with men, and if one of them accidentally has sex with a woman, they eat the baby.

Shame on Republicans for not turning out in record numbers to prevent this disaster from taking place, if you know what I mean. And it hurts me to say this, but shame on President Bush for saying he would work with the Dummycrats. You can't work with them, Mr. President. That would be like working with the opposition. It's so unfortunate that President Bush has suddenly lost his spine -- that's what I call the backbone. And it's quadruply unfortunate that he let Donald Rumsfeld resign as soon as the Dummycrats won. Without Rumsfeld in charge, I'm afraid that the situation in Iraq will become disorganized, ineffective, maybe even dangerous.

It's a dark time for America, my fellow Americans, but if by some miracle the country is still here in two years, we have a chance to put things right, if you know what I mean. As far as I'm concerned, there's only one thing that can save us: JEB BUSH FOR PRESIDENT! Yes, it's a dark time for our white country. But rest assured that a voice of right-wing reason will be there to comfort you every step of the way. And that voice is the Voice of Piss.

Bad Dream

2006-11-07T23:39:00.000-05:00

I would enjoy to write about this election night night but however i am drinking.